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I’m Done Apologizing for My Gifted Daughter

January 13, 2015 · 26 Comments

I have a confession. I used to apologize for my daughter being gifted.

Maybe apologize isn’t exactly the right word but when other parents would comment on how bright she was I’d say something like:

gifted children, parenting

Focusing on the positive side of parenting a gifted child.

Yeah, but she can’t tie her own shoes 

or

If only she wasn’t afraid of every ball in every sport

or

You’d think she could figure out how to hang up a towel!

Ok, that last one really bugged me. Seriously, how tough can it be? I admit to telling her to stay in the bathroom until she figured out how to put the towel on the towel bar. It was either my worst parenting moment or my finest. The jury’s still out.

Now, I don’t mean that I said these things with earshot of my daughter or even that I said them very often. But I did say them. It happened most frequently when we were early in our gifted kid journey and someone, usually another mom, would comment about how well she was doing in school or the grade skip and I would immediately downplay things by pointing out something she wasn’t so good at.

Ugh. What was I thinking?

What I should have said was:

THANK YOU

or

YEP

It reminds me of the Maya Angelou quote: “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

Who knows why I said those things. Or why any of us do – because I know I’m not the only parent of a gifted child who’s done this.

Probably a combination of wanting her to fit in, me wanting to fit in, a bit of imposter syndrome (on my part) and simply not really understanding what the heck we were really dealing with.

I also think it was the adjusting of expectations. We knew she was an exceptionally bright little kid but didn’t really know until she got to school how exceptional she was. We had no clue of what being on the far right of the bell curve meant.

She did learn how to tie her shoes, but sometimes it takes a couple of tries so that the tightness is equal on each foot. Don’t laugh. I know you know what I mean.

Still not big on basketball but she’ll shoot baskets with her dad. Only once in a while – but he has to ask nicely and there are bribes involved.

I know she can hang towels up but she sometimes chooses not to. We’re working on it.

Sure, there are plenty of things she’s not good at. But I’ve stopped focusing on them and I’m choosing to focus on the positive because the positive things FAR outweigh the negative.

My daughter is gifted and I’m done apologizing for it.

What about you? Any regrets or things you wish you had done differently on your journey?

 

 

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Anarchy in the Elementary School Car Line

November 13, 2013 · 1 Comment

Recently while waiting in the elementary school car line I found myself pondering what I consider to be nothing less than anarchy taking place right in front of me and what that means to the children of the anarchist parents.Anarchy in the Elementary School Car Line

Ok. That may be a bit dramatic but here’s the thing, if you’re unable to successfully navigate the rules of the car line I honestly question your ability to raise a child who’s able to successfully navigate the big wide world on their own.

Going Rogue

The signs (there are several) clearly indicate to pull up so that long line of cars behind you can also pull up and not stick out in the road – blocking traffic and disrupting the commute of all the rule-abiding people who’re on their way to jobs, Starbucks, or yoga. Or maybe back to bed.

So, when you decide that your little person can’t manage to walk the additional 50 feet from the designated drop off spot to the school entrance you create a cascade of problems. Problems ranging from messing with my blood pressure to creating a generation of entitled children who don’t know the meaning of resilience.

There are a few parents (mostly just me) that wait for the rogues to let their precious cargo out at the front entrance and pull up to the designated spot. Part of that is I want to set a good example for not only my daughter but for other parents who may not have completely committed to the rogue lifestyle. But mostly it’s because my kid is an even bigger rule follower than I am and wouldn’t get out of the car early even if I wanted her to. This may also be affecting my blood pressure.

Car Line Lessons

Seriously, what does this behavior teach your kids? The rules don’t apply to you or them? They’re too delicate to walk those extra 50 feet? That they (you) are more important than the 40 other families behind you?

We’re not talking about a once in a while behavior. This is every single school day. What other rules of civil behavior are these anarchists teaching their children? Parking in the designated handicap spots at Chuck E. Cheese?

I bet these parents also value all those participatory trophies that permeate elementary sports. I bet they’re the ones who are on Facebook saying how proud they are of their kids because they won some random contest that required no effort. I bet (know) these are the parents who don’t understand why I always pull up to where I’m supposed to, always make my kid walk the extra 50 feet, and could care less about a trophy that means absolutely nothing.

When you routinely disregard rules about something as simple as a car line you rob your child of knowing that walking 50 feet, even in the rain, is no big deal. They also may learn just a little bit about grit, resilience and respect for others.

I’m talking to you dark blue Toyota Highlander. I bet your kids end up living in your basement. Forever. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Car make and model has been changed to protect the guilty. And me.

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Advice to Gifted Children from a College Dropout

May 4, 2013 · 12 Comments

Some of the best advice I’ve received about raising a gifted child – and like you, I’ve gotten advice from just about everybody – was from a college Advice to Gifted Childrendropout.

He wasn’t your typical dropout. He was (is) gifted. He graduated at the top of his class and had an impressive high school academic career filled with science and math competitions. He was well read and an accomplished public speaker for someone his age. He’d even been accepted to an Ivy League school – one I’d be thrilled to have my daughter attend.

But he didn’t go to the Ivy League school. Instead, he chose the honors college at a large state university. It wasn’t one of those ivy covered colleges but still a very good school. I’ll probably be okay should my daughter choose to go there.

He didn’t make it through his sophomore year. There were probably several reasons about what why that is but here’s what he told me. This is what he wanted me to know about being a gifted child.

Learn how to study – college is too late

He never bothered to learn how to study because everything had come so easy to him in school. He didn’t have to work hard for his good grades and so when he got to college he didn’t have the tools to manage his time or school work. I’ve since learned this isn’t an uncommon situation for many college freshmen but it can be particularly devastating for those who’ve basically gotten through high school on autopilot.

Do things that are hard

Not stretching as a student can have serious consequences in life, not just in college. There is no challenge and therefore no real success in always taking the easy road. Sometimes the easy road of a gifted student includes AP classes or maybe advanced calculus (that was a breeze for this dropout) so it’s easy to believe that they’re being tested academically. Find a way to keep challenged. The payoff is that when difficulties present themselves – and they will – the skills needed to be successful are already honed.

Fail now; recover now

Failing out of college can be a devastating blow and recovery can seem almost impossible for even those of the strongest will. It’s much easier to recover from failing 3rd grade science. Let your gifted student – ANY student – experience failure while they’re young. The lesson of learning how to recover from a failure is invaluable.

Of course it’s simple to read these words and it’s another thing to put into to practice. How often as parents of gifted children do we simply assume that since they’re in the honors classes, have the high test scores, or have grade accelerated that they’re being appropriately challenged? It’s easy to fall into complacency. With potentially risky outcomes.

Don’t worry about this college dropout. He found his way back to college and will soon graduate with a degree in chemical engineering and a wisdom beyond his years. He’s going to be just fine.

How do you make sure to keep your kids challenged academically?

 

 

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